Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
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Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Welcome
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood