Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
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Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish