Want to talk trash? Recycle.
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[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.