Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act

I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.

Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.

i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert

I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.

#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk

What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?

A gas station.

My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.

I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills

Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.

🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you

-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge

[first day in a new house]

Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home

Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit

I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another

An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.

The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.

I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum

My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.

Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”

[spelling bee]

Your word: Spelunking

“U-N-K-I-N-G”

*on blind date*

Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?

Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!

me: hi do you take walk ins?

funeral parlor director: what?

Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…

My vegetarian sister discovered we were all in a separate group chat without her, sharing delicious food photos, called Secret Meat Up

With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.

Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.

(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?

Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.

Can I tell her? Pleeease.

Jesus: love your neighbor

Me: aw thanks, yours is also great

“can you explain this gap in your employment history”

yah i was a toddler