Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
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Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
The only equipped I am is ill.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it