Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
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my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @