@Voiceofgarth

WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.

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@Lottie_Poppie

My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too

@sofarrsogud

ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.

FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.

ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.

@Stellacopter

When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”

@Brampersandon_

ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a

@Peauxtassium

This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married

@Roweboat13G

‘I’ll cut a bitch.’

– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure

@noog

According to the Internet:

Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.

PS4
– Cures cancer.

@PaperWash

doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …

Me: give it to me straight doc what is it

doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password

@Maxine12333

Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.

@xLiserx

Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.