WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.

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On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.


Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.

Cop: Stop playing the race card.


I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.


My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.


Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”



-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering food

Do NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet


Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??

Starbucks employee:

Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?


“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”

*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter


Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?


Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”