Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
You Might Also Like
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Do one person every day that scares you.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!