WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
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A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top