@Fred_Delicious Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
@Brianhopecomedy WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
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@Fred_Delicious 
@FoluOyefeso Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
@64spoons Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
@BlackCatBettie A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
@DurtMcHurtt Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
@TXrednation1 Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
@IamEnidColeslaw life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
@Cheeseboy22 My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
@ItsAndyRyan Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
@LordofScribble As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.