wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
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Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months