wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
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“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.