Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
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*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Straight people are cancelled
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.