Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
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Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
Put this video in the Louvre
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes