Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
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I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.