Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?

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Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.

Also me: Oh shit that was today.


Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?


Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.


My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”


Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.


Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.

The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.


To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”

I want your life.


Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.


HER: I wanna be your everything.

ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.

HER: No, not like-

ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.