Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
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THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!