*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
You Might Also Like
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Cardio Made Easy
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.