*wants space*

*eats Milky Way*

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me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me

dad: and they like you?

me: haha oh goodness no


Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.


Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash


ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?


Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.



I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.


My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.


retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?


Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries