<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
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7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Gods work.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency