WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
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There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this