WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
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If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
don’t be scared