[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
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a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Death certificates are our last participation award.