War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
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my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
I had to Stop for this
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you