War & Peace
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Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)