WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
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Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.