Warden: Have you completed your analysis?

Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL

Warden: I’m not paying you

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WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?

ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.


Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.


I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.


SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust


My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.

One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.


You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.


Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.


[job interview]

Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?

Me: I believe the explanation is clear.

B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—

*I have disappeared*

B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.

[From ceiling]

M: I accept.


Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.