@Thuggedraccoon

Warden: Have you completed your analysis?

Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL

Warden: I’m not paying you

You Might Also Like

@sofarrsogud

WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?

ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.

@PlainTravis

Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.

@capricecrane

I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.

@jonnysun

SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust

@HomeWithPeanut

My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.

One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.

@squirrel74wkgn

You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.

@Kica333

Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.

@Tmoney68

[job interview]

Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?

Me: I believe the explanation is clear.

B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—

*I have disappeared*

B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.

[From ceiling]

M: I accept.

@sixfootcandy

Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.