@Thuggedraccoon

Warden: Have you completed your analysis?

Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL

Warden: I’m not paying you

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@brokemycoccyx

Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.

Don’t make this weird…

@GreenishDuck

Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.

@TheCiscoKidder

Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.

@Pundamentalism

My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

@trevso_electric

If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.

@MarkBuckawicki

A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through

@eTHEgoddess

The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.

In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.

@50FirstTates

they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store

@TEXASVETERAN

How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?

@YayForJam

Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”