Warm pools make me nervous.
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God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority