*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
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I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Lucky old June.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids