WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
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Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Ape together strong
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”