WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
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My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car