Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
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I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’