Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
You Might Also Like
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Aaaa…CHOO!
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.