Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
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CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.