Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
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If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.