warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
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I just ran a .003048K
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?