Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
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Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
President The Rock Obama
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊