please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
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Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL