@ozzyunc

Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?

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@PleaseBeGneiss

please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind

@icrushedmyhalo

Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.

Me: Do I have to?

Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.

Me: *moonwalks to the car*

@ChaseMit

If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator

@AbbyHasIssues

Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.

Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.

Guess we’re both living the dream

@VodkaTiem

I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.

@PinkCamoTO

Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.

@

Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.

@noog

*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?

@GorillaNipples1

Me: You touched my heart.

Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL