Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
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My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
Jail
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
happy mother’s day❤️
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.