Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
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If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
This did not end as expected.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?