Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
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I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise