Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
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I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
This is a sub tweet
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
This was my dad’s browser history.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.