Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
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Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Mission: Impossible
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.