Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
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Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.