was going to buy this diversion safe but realized somewhat ironically that the only thing of value to my name is a can of hormel chili
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I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
took a gummy earlier and I’m sitting outside. The same bush to my left has scared the shit out of me at least 4 times over the last 20 minutes.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks