Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
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“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.