“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
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Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Whoa… oh I see lol
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.