Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
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Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
idk what he going thru but i feel him
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication