Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
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Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?