Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
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I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.