Was it something I said?
You Might Also Like
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
Watermelon Boss!
#Caturday
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough