Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
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USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]