Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
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DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit