Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
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“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
bragging about how I’ve “really turned my life around recently” without mentioning in which direction
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
I always tell my pets I love them more than the Atlantic so they can better understand the immensity.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
My eye caught an article about the presidential debate but I read it as “preschool debate” and I’m pretty sure they’re the same thing
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is