Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
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My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest